Tag: blog

Today I am sad. Today I am frustrated. Today I feel the weight of that which I don’t understand and I struggle with my own self-doubt. I do not like being in this place, and yet I find myself here again. My own words to support others seem to mock me from the back of my mind. I feel myself confused by my emotions and my thoughts. I find myself questioning my own sanity and struggling to hold onto the positive focus I preach about. I am human after, am I not? Is it okay to slide into a tumultuous thought process and try to sort it out from a perspective I still question?

Why do I fear the unknown so much? Why is it okay for others to follow their dreams, but irresponsible of me to do so? Why do people not care? This is the question I struggle with the most. I want to scream it from the rooftop, and I fear that even by sharing my frustrations here, I am calling out those who are the closest to me. But this is where I am.

I promised to share my feelings, no matter what they are, in an effort to support those who are healing. I promised to be honest in the ups and downs of where I am as a survivor. I share my story so that others can know what it feels like to be a survivor of domestic violence. It is an effort to help those who are trying to make their way through the process of rediscovering their life after abuse, as well as a process to educate “outsiders” on what it is like to be that person.

What I find is that people do not want to hear about it. The people that we need to support us are the very ones who do not want to deal with the realities that are a part of this world. I see a society that will throw money at cancer research to the tune of billions a year, that will create a media uproar when a city bans panhandling, will spend hours arguing over politics and religion, and will look the other way when their neighbor is beaten by her husband. I see thousands of likes and shares on Facebook for sites encouraging the exploitation of women, and then I see those who ask that we not post pictures of victims of domestic violence. What makes one cause more important than another? Are we, those who suffered at the hands of those we loved the most, less important? Do you blame us or do you just not care?

On a personal level, I receive advice from those who refuse to read my story. Those who do not know where I’m coming from or why this cause is so important to me. They want to tell me why my outreach won’t work, why I need to be patient, why I should be happy I have a job I don’t belong in, and why I need to understand how uncomfortable people are with the topic of domestic violence. And, if they do not say as much in words, they do so in actions. When I speak my truth, there are few who want to listen, to show up, or to support. A simple like on a Facebook page, a moment to understand why I do what I do, a familiar face at a speaking engagement, telling others about an event I’m holding…all such powerful shows of support. Yet, this type of support is crazily few and far between.

This is my story. This is my truth. This has molded me into who I am and I am not alone. So many are affected by domestic violence and it is time that society stands up and listen. There are more women whose lives are derailed due to domestic violence than breast cancer. There are over 15 million children a year exposed to horrific experiences in the home. The reach is wide. Look around you, 1 in 3 of the women you know are harboring secrets and silently crying for help. You will not know how to help them if you refuse to acknowledge the problem. And by hiding behind your fear, or lack of empathy, you are not supporting those who need you the most.

There are those who have supported me, backed me, and encouraged me. For them, I am grateful. But this week, I have felt the sting of crying out to an empty room. The loud whisper of those surrounding me saying that my cause does not matter…that it is unimportant. And, with that, I’ve questioned my own realities and was washed back to when I questioned my marriage.

I begin to wonder if it is me who is seeing the world backward, or if I’m just aware because I have lived something that is not fun to think about. I find myself questioning if how I feel is part of who I am or if it is due to the self-doubt brought on by my past. I want to be strong, and I want to carry on, but I struggle with the lack of understanding I seem to be surrounded by. I’m right back on my balcony, looking at the world below and questioning my perception of all that is. At that time, I was trapped by my marriage. Now, I feel that there is something wonderful that I can’t grasp because I am trapped by fear and societal pressure to be that which I am not. And the coldness I feel radiating back at me is growing that insecurity.

Then I question again why I crave the support. Again, this is my story. This is my passion. Support or not, it is mine to take and run with. And that is what I will do.

Read the Forget Me Not Series here and visit the Forget Me Not Advocacy Group’s website.

Try not to imagine why a victim stays, but rather, try to actually put yourself in their shoes. What happens when your abuser becomes your world? What does it feel like? I’m talking about the day-to-day emotions that wrack your body. What are the thoughts, the expectations, the realities of the world in which a victim lives? If you have not been there, you will be unable to understand. It will not make sense. You will wonder why anyone would tolerate such behavior from another human being. You will question the victim’s reasoning. Some will say the victim must like being treated badly or that they have no self-respect. You may say they must be crazy to stay in a situation where someone beats them down emotionally and/or physically. You may have your opinions, but you must try to put those opinions aside and do your best to live in your mind, what a victim lives in theirs.

Every second is about the abuser’s needs and wants. They have groomed you to be a certain way, to see life through a lens that is clouded by their desires. They claim to love you and drew you into them when you first met. They were wonderful from where you stood. You fell in love with their charm, their smile, and their warmth. And slowly, they eat away at your very being until you find yourself terrified of disappointing them.

They look out for you and protect you. You feel safe with them because they want only the best for you and for your life together. They begin to pull you away from your friends and your family, one person at a time. Slowly they speak lies in your ear and show you why you are better off without these people. They refocus you on the things that will be good for the two of you. Everything is about your life together. Your bond is unbreakable. Your love is secure and for life. They want only to be with you. And then, you are alone with them. Your life has become one that revolves around your abuser.

They begin to erode your confidence, retrain your thoughts, build you up only to tear you down. You start to notice that they are unhappy, so you do your best to make it better…you change. Their happiness becomes your number one priority. Not because that is all you want in life, but because you know that you can bring them back to the individual you believe them to be. But they become further removed from you and you desperately attempt to win that original love back. You have pushed your friends and family away. Your life, as you once knew it, is no longer.

But they pull back. They withhold the love you crave and need. They tell you how worthless and messed up you are. You believe them because you have no one anymore. There is no one to tell you that you are a good partner; this is the person who matters and you are losing them. And then, they give you a chance. They show their kindness and a glimpse of hope. They give you the love that you are craving. They tell you how much you mean to them and they show you attention.

And just as soon as you are feeling positive, they crush you with all that they have. You have screwed up again and your marriage will pay. You will be alone in this world and you deserve it because you are unable to bring joy to anyone. You are a failure in all that you do: a bad wife, lover, mother, and friend. Nobody needs someone like you in his or her life. You will die alone. You do not deserve someone like them. You are lucky to have them.

Soon, you find yourself a mess, a shell of what you once were. Depression and anxiety walk hand in hand with you daily. You are constantly walking on eggshells. Every minute of every day is an attempt to be a better version of yourself, but there is nothing left of you anymore. It is a losing battle because nothing you ever do will be good enough for your abuser. You are alone and afraid. The fear of retribution is a constant. One wrong look or action can lead to more emotional or physical attacks. You fear the pain of a physical attack, but almost dread the emotional more. You cannot bear to hear his words anymore. You know you are worthless and wonder if leaving this world will make it all better.

The idea of leaving crosses your mind, but where would you go. If you told your story, people would laugh at you. They would tell you to leave, but you can’t leave. They wouldn’t understand. You simply must fix your marriage. It is up to you to make it better. He tells you daily how messed up you are through his words and actions. It must be true. He obviously loves you and wants your marriage to better. Otherwise, he would leave, right? But he stays.

You try to be what he wants, and you never will be. You will never make him happy because he does not want to be happy with you. He wants to control you. But you, the victim, do not know this. He has erased who you are and made you into this skeleton of a person. You are his to control and the cycle continues.

This is where I was. Each story is different, and each technique is unique. Try to walk in the shoes of someone you are not. Try to understand their pain. Only then can you get a glimpse of the hell and confusion that is their life.

Read the Forget Me Not Series here and visit the Forget Me Not Advocacy Group’s website.

Did you know that nearly half of all men experience psychological aggression from an intimate partner in their lifetime? 1 in 4 men experience rape, physical violence, or stalking, and 1 in 7 experience severe physical violence. 40% of men have reported at least one form of coercive control (isolation, threats, blackmail, etc.) by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

While women are not typically identified as the primary abuser, plenty of men suffer at the hands of their female partner. I mention female partners, because men are in a rough position. Domestic violence is about abuse, power, and control, not about whether you are male or female, gay or straight, or tough or weak.

But societal norms tell men that it is not ok to talk about abuse, to “man up,” or to take control of the situation.

This is a topic we have long ignored, myself included. I started telling my story as a female that suffered at the hands of my husband. I often refer to abusers as men within my story, and outside of it. When you Google Domestic Violence, it is generally pictures of abused women that appear. But it is not just women who suffer. Women also can be the abusers. Men can be the victim, suffering in silence just as I was. But I often fear that their voice is ignored.

I, personally, will be learning more about this topic, and it will be the subject of future blog posts. I encourage you to chime it. And to the male victims out there who have spoken up, thank you! Please continue breaking the silence so we can bring light to this equally important issue.

Read the Forget Me Not Series here and visit the Forget Me Not Advocacy Group’s website.

I’ve noticed a trend; one I can relate to all too well. There are a lot of people out there, men and women, who know they need help, but fight the prospect of actually seeking it out. I was there. At times I still am. It’s kind of like losing weight. I know I have gained weight and it is affecting my life. I’m sluggish and cranky, my clothes don’t fit right, and I feel a little too self-aware (and not in a good way). It affects my attitude and my demeanor, how productive I am, and my general outlook on life at times. But, cutting the sugar and going to the gym are a little more work that I’m ready to put in.

Emotional healing is the same way. I know I’m not acting right, but I don’t want to fix it. I know I don’t feel right, but I tell myself that I’m stronger than this and will get a hold of my emotions soon. I don’t want to feel weak, but I don’t have time to work through these issues. Help is needed because I cannot keep living my life this way, but seeking it out is a little more than I’m prepared to do. I’ll get around to it later. Time heals all wounds, right?

Time helps to put all wounds further behind you. They no longer have the same effect as they once did because they are further into your past and you have had time to put some distance between those experiences and your current life. However, they do not fully disappear on their own. Wounds are like a small infection just under your skin. It’s nothing, you say, and you ignore the redness. But as time goes by, it grows and grows until it is interfering with your life and health. Soon, your days are filled with a much larger issue that interferes with everything you do.

Emotionally, you might become agitated, overly sensitive, protective, defensive, depressed, and anxious. As the days go by, more of these emotions creep in as a defense mechanism to the pain you have experienced. You know you have been here before and you thought you had moved passed it, but the feelings are slowly coming back. And, guess what? That affects your work, your relationships, your family, and your happiness. It steals your joy.

Sadly, I believe that these emotions and behaviors become so much a part of us that we don’t even always realize how much they are interfering with our life. But, I assure you that others do. We cannot ignore our pain away. It is important to understand that you need help in order to thrive. You must be willing to accept the help that is around you and seek out support. A simple support group or group of friends who have been in your shoes may suffice. Or you may need to seek out more traditional means, such as individual therapy or group counseling with a trained professional.

No matter where you are, however, don’t get caught in the trap of shame or pride. Most of us cannot do it on our own. We all need support. When you refuse to seek out that help, you are hurting yourself, your children, your work life, and those you love most. You deserve happiness and peace, and it is up to each of us to personally make the choice to heal instead of choosing to stay stuck. That is the difference between remaining a victim and becoming a survivor. Allow yourself the opportunity to actually work on it. You, and those around you, will be thankful for your effort.

Read the Forget Me Not Series here and visit the Forget Me Not Advocacy Group’s website.

Never in my life did I envision what Forget Me Not would become. This morning I sit here, reflecting on the past and contemplating the future, which is — I know — against everything I teach and subscribe to. However, in some instances, I believe it is ok to look back and be mesmerized by how far you have come. I reflect back with positivity and look forward with hope and renewed strength. I sit in this moment and can write to you because this is where I am supposed to be; this is where my life has led me.

Four years ago I started writing Forget Me Not as an open journal. As I told my story, and shared why I believed things to be as they were, I hoped that it could help others know that they were not alone. It didn’t take long, however, before reliving all my hurts was more detrimental than useful. I found myself crying uncontrollably in front of my keyboard, struggling to come to terms with anger and resentment, and wondering why my life was so screwed up. I felt alone in my quest for peace, even though I wanted others to know they were not. I felt lost and depressed, and could not envision a life different than what I was experiencing. So, I quit writing.

My focus became a complicated mission of simply trying to work on myself. I’ve documented much of that journey through this blog and consider myself in a constant state of progress. Over time, and with much work, things did get better. And then, this past December, I found myself sitting in front of a campfire in complete silence. My heart and mind were both in a very good place. Next to me sat my love, a man I am now blessed to share my life with. We both sat in silence, meditating in the darkness. I would periodically open my eyes to watch the flicker of the flame, never once having to look to him. His presence was strongly beside me and I was at complete peace. As I allowed my mind to quiet, my thoughts began to wander. I was surrounded by beauty, the calmness of the night was pristine, and I was encased in absolute comfort. Then, out of nowhere, I heard a voice tell me that I needed to self publish.

My eyes popped open with the thought as I was a caught slightly off guard. Self publish? Self publish what? A dialog started to take place in my mind. I had not written anything in years. But I knew the answer almost before I asked the question. It was time to share my story. And now, only now, could I share my journey to healing as well.

This entire revelation came to me in a place that made no sense logically. There was no talk of my marriage, my past life, or my writing. What was there that night was the realization of growth and joy. This was a place I never imagined I would ever be. This is exactly what I had wanted my whole life. This is what life is supposed to be. And now, it was time to help others reach that place.

With that, I started writing. I wrote my story, which will hopefully soon be a published memoir. I started blogging again and I started talking. I talked, and talk, to anyone who will listen. I speak at events, to small groups, in private settings, and through my writing. It is now my mission to break the silence on domestic violence and the long-term effects it has on so many.

As I share my story, others begin to open and share with me. They share their pain, their struggles, their stories, and their healing. They cheer me on and reach out for support. I spoke out about domestic violence in a marital setting and learned of child abuse, child sexual assault, and rape. My goal was to educate and support, and I am being educated and supported. And as more and more individuals share their story, a light is shone on this monster that hides in the shadows of society.

In private settings, I have found that more and more individuals feel comfortable sharing and opening up, about their own experience, when they learn my story. I have several people I know talk freely about their abuse who have never mentioned it before. And those who overhear the conversations then come forward with questions, which leads to both healing and understanding. It is both sad and beautiful.

I know in my heart that this is the beginning of a very good thing. My personal healing has grown a hundredfold as I find meaning in what I endured. I want to thank each and every one of you who have reached out, shared, and supported this cause, both victims and non-victims alike. Thank you for your willingness to look at abuse head on, confront it, and shine your light on it. Thank you for choosing not to ignore this difficult subject. Keep breaking the silence and the silence will be no more. Without it, abuse will be starved out and humanity just might prove itself kinder and gentler.

Read the Forget Me Not Series here and visit the Forget Me Not Advocacy Group’s website.

As a writer, I’ve been told that I need to find my voice. According to numerous online resources, our writing voice is not something that is easily defined. It is something you find, that you learn with practice, or that you develop in time. Voice is the unique writing style of the author. It is what makes you different from everyone else out there. A fingerprint of sorts. This has been my assignment as my book gets closer to print.

Will I ever know if I have my voice, as it is defined by the editor that reads my memoir? Perhaps not. What I know is that I found my true voice not that long ago. I found the strength and healing I needed to put my words to paper and speak my truth in the words that came to me. My story is my voice. My story is my reality. Not everyone will like my story or care to read it, just as not everyone reads my blog.

My story is not a popular one. It is framed as sadness and hopelessness. It tells the tale of too many women and men. So many can relate to my struggles although their pain was brought on by a parent, a loved one, or a rapist. Domestic violence is a vast umbrella that encompasses pain inflicted on one individual by another where you should feel the safest. It is a very uncomfortable topic for those who have lived it, those who inflict it, and those who wish to not know of it.

As I write, and as I work to build Forget Me Not Advocacy Group, I am caught off guard by the compliments as well as the criticisms. I am tickled by the number of supporters who reach out to me in quiet moments and share their kind words with me. They keep me going as they raise me up. They believe in the need for education and supported healing. However, just as I’m tickled by those who support, I’m alarmed at how many put down or undermine my objective.

“Not everyone will support a cause such as yours.” “I know you don’t intent to sell many books.” “Don’t create too high an expectation, this is not a cause everyone will rally behind.” “It will take years to get support.”

While I understand that these comments were made with the intent to help, I also understand the damage that they can inflict. With each similar comment made, I am hearing you say that my pain does not amount to the type of pain a cancer patient endures. I hear you telling me that my business will likely fail. You are projecting your fears, or your failures, on me. But, you are also giving me the strength I need to create an organization that will succeed in helping those in need.

You see, with every reason you find to tell me why domestic violence is not as important to the world as any number of causes, you remind me exactly what my purpose is. You give me a purpose for my voice to rise above all the noise in our society and to speak my truth as loud and as often as I can.

Thank you for making me stronger. Thank you for helping me understand how important it is to get the word out, to support those who feel the rejection and shame by society, and to help educate our young people so they can find their voice in this crazy world. Together we will stand up against domestic violence in all of its forms and yell NO MORE. And one day, the world will hear our cries and come stand by our side. They will no longer turn away from the injustices done by our fellow humans — one against another — but will look it straight in the face and acknowledge it for what it is; something that affects more individuals than any other cause there is.

Then, we will stand together and end the one thing we have control over…how we treat those we love.

Read the Forget Me Not Series here and visit the Forget Me Not Advocacy Group’s website.

The path to healing is one that is difficult and time consuming. I don’t believe that anyone just gets over something. They may be good at covering it up, pretending it doesn’t matter, or telling themselves to ignore it and move forward, but it never truly goes away.

I have found myself having conversations with those who state that they were in abusive relationships or marriages, but claim they are fine. They brush it off as if it has had no effect on them. They state that they do not need support, therapy, or help and are often unwilling to say much more about the subject. This really saddens me for two reasons.

First, it used to make me feel that there was something wrong with me because I was unable to deal with the aftermath of my abusive marriage. Why were they so strong and I was so weak? Maybe I should toughen up and be like them. But then, I would have a second, and almost simultaneous, reaction to their claims. Perhaps they were not really abused at all and they just think they were. Maybe their husband was angry or snippy, or they were not getting what they wanted in life, but surely they did not experience domestic violence as I had. If they had, they would not be ok. Victims are not just ok. And, that thought, whether accurate or not, made me angry.

These things are not for me to know. I’ve since seen that many of these individuals who claim they are ok, really are not. They just have not allowed themselves to heal. Instead, they have chosen to cover it up and pretend. This, of course, is their choice, but I often see the pain they are causing themselves and their loved ones by taking this path. Neither myself, nor anyone else, can make you choose to heal. No one can make you want to come out of the darkness and into the light. It is up to you to take those steps.

Through this mini-series, I’ve shared with you two main things that helped me to get moving in the right direction. First was putting one foot in front of the other. Taking each moment as they came and focusing on survival, then time, and then moving forward. Second, I got out and got active. I had to physically remove myself from the safety of my home and get outside and doing something I loved. Lastly, I believe it is important to find peace in yourself.

This last step may be even harder than the first two, but it is in my opinion the most important piece to long-term happiness. This is where you clear from your mind all the terrible things your abuser said to you, and all the things you believe about yourself because of your experiences. The feelings of disappointment, hatred, and regret have to go. The self-loathing and putting yourself down must become a thing of the past. This is where you learn to see yourself as a new and beautiful being that is worth happiness.
This process took me the better part of a year, and that was just to get to where I could actually visualize myself as a happier person. It is the retraining of your negative thoughts and emotions. Let me give you some examples of what I experienced.

Example 1: It’s the middle of the night and I wake up anxious. I can’t sleep, my stomach is in knots, and my heart is pounding. I don’t know what I’m anxious about so my mind starts to fill with every single thing I’m scared of in life. My mind starts racing with all of these fears and my anxiety builds.

What do I do: I tell myself that it is all in my mind, and then start working to control my breath. Long breath in, “Breathe in love.” Long breath out, “Breathe out fear.” Long breath in, “Breathe in peace.” Long breath out, “Breathe out sadness.” You get the drift. Soon, I feel my body starting to calm down. I focus my mind on the words and my body on the breathing and everything starts to relax. I do this until my mind is calm enough to refocus or until I fall back asleep.

Example 2: A friend or family member does not agree with my plans for my life. I feel the need to explain to them and get their support, and find myself frustrated and crying. They hold fast in their belief about how my life should be, and I’m feeling corned again, by someone else who is not living my life. This, of course, is coming from a trigger.

What do I do: (Disclaimer — I’m still working on this one.) I remind myself silently that they do not understand where I am coming from with my reactions (the crying and the anger), so these reactions serve no purpose. I remind myself that they are not my husband and do not mean harm to me. I remind myself that my choices are my own, for good or bad, and unless they affect the other person, then that person really has no opinion on the matter. I allow myself to walk away from the situation and ask the person to respect my choices. I do not apologize for who I am. Because of this, I’m learning to be stronger in who I am and make the choices that are best for me, not make choices based on the opinion of others.

These are just two examples of issues that I have personally dealt with. As I become stronger in myself, I find that the depression and anxiety lift. I have no doubt that I will struggle with them from time to time, but they are much more prevalent when I put myself in situations with which I am not happy and content.

You shouldn’t stay in a job you hate because others think you are crazy to leave. If you are not happy there, find a place where you are happy. You shouldn’t attend activities you do not enjoy because you have always done so. Find other ways to spend time with your friends and make friends who enjoy the same things you do. You should not give in to your ex because he manipulates your children. Find the strength to seek out the help you need, from a professional that is a good fit for you, and learn how to deal with your ex in a way that is less stressful to you and is not teaching your children that manipulation is a viable option for getting what you want in life.

The final step to crawling out of darkness, for me, was to find my purpose in life and believe in myself…as an individual. It is important that you find ways that work for you, as we are all different in our personalities and our healing. But whatever you do, find those things that work and start implementing them. Be patient with yourself, keep trying when you fail, and know that you are on the right path. As always, I’m here cheering you on.

Read the Forget Me Not Series here and visit the Forget Me Not Advocacy Group’s website.