Category: BF NEWS

Today I am sad. Today I am frustrated. Today I feel the weight of that which I don’t understand and I struggle with my own self-doubt. I do not like being in this place, and yet I find myself here again. My own words to support others seem to mock me from the back of my mind. I feel myself confused by my emotions and my thoughts. I find myself questioning my own sanity and struggling to hold onto the positive focus I preach about. I am human after, am I not? Is it okay to slide into a tumultuous thought process and try to sort it out from a perspective I still question?

Why do I fear the unknown so much? Why is it okay for others to follow their dreams, but irresponsible of me to do so? Why do people not care? This is the question I struggle with the most. I want to scream it from the rooftop, and I fear that even by sharing my frustrations here, I am calling out those who are the closest to me. But this is where I am.

I promised to share my feelings, no matter what they are, in an effort to support those who are healing. I promised to be honest in the ups and downs of where I am as a survivor. I share my story so that others can know what it feels like to be a survivor of domestic violence. It is an effort to help those who are trying to make their way through the process of rediscovering their life after abuse, as well as a process to educate “outsiders” on what it is like to be that person.

What I find is that people do not want to hear about it. The people that we need to support us are the very ones who do not want to deal with the realities that are a part of this world. I see a society that will throw money at cancer research to the tune of billions a year, that will create a media uproar when a city bans panhandling, will spend hours arguing over politics and religion, and will look the other way when their neighbor is beaten by her husband. I see thousands of likes and shares on Facebook for sites encouraging the exploitation of women, and then I see those who ask that we not post pictures of victims of domestic violence. What makes one cause more important than another? Are we, those who suffered at the hands of those we loved the most, less important? Do you blame us or do you just not care?

On a personal level, I receive advice from those who refuse to read my story. Those who do not know where I’m coming from or why this cause is so important to me. They want to tell me why my outreach won’t work, why I need to be patient, why I should be happy I have a job I don’t belong in, and why I need to understand how uncomfortable people are with the topic of domestic violence. And, if they do not say as much in words, they do so in actions. When I speak my truth, there are few who want to listen, to show up, or to support. A simple like on a Facebook page, a moment to understand why I do what I do, a familiar face at a speaking engagement, telling others about an event I’m holding…all such powerful shows of support. Yet, this type of support is crazily few and far between.

This is my story. This is my truth. This has molded me into who I am and I am not alone. So many are affected by domestic violence and it is time that society stands up and listen. There are more women whose lives are derailed due to domestic violence than breast cancer. There are over 15 million children a year exposed to horrific experiences in the home. The reach is wide. Look around you, 1 in 3 of the women you know are harboring secrets and silently crying for help. You will not know how to help them if you refuse to acknowledge the problem. And by hiding behind your fear, or lack of empathy, you are not supporting those who need you the most.

There are those who have supported me, backed me, and encouraged me. For them, I am grateful. But this week, I have felt the sting of crying out to an empty room. The loud whisper of those surrounding me saying that my cause does not matter…that it is unimportant. And, with that, I’ve questioned my own realities and was washed back to when I questioned my marriage.

I begin to wonder if it is me who is seeing the world backward, or if I’m just aware because I have lived something that is not fun to think about. I find myself questioning if how I feel is part of who I am or if it is due to the self-doubt brought on by my past. I want to be strong, and I want to carry on, but I struggle with the lack of understanding I seem to be surrounded by. I’m right back on my balcony, looking at the world below and questioning my perception of all that is. At that time, I was trapped by my marriage. Now, I feel that there is something wonderful that I can’t grasp because I am trapped by fear and societal pressure to be that which I am not. And the coldness I feel radiating back at me is growing that insecurity.

Then I question again why I crave the support. Again, this is my story. This is my passion. Support or not, it is mine to take and run with. And that is what I will do.

Read the Forget Me Not Series here and visit the Forget Me Not Advocacy Group’s website.

Try not to imagine why a victim stays, but rather, try to actually put yourself in their shoes. What happens when your abuser becomes your world? What does it feel like? I’m talking about the day-to-day emotions that wrack your body. What are the thoughts, the expectations, the realities of the world in which a victim lives? If you have not been there, you will be unable to understand. It will not make sense. You will wonder why anyone would tolerate such behavior from another human being. You will question the victim’s reasoning. Some will say the victim must like being treated badly or that they have no self-respect. You may say they must be crazy to stay in a situation where someone beats them down emotionally and/or physically. You may have your opinions, but you must try to put those opinions aside and do your best to live in your mind, what a victim lives in theirs.

Every second is about the abuser’s needs and wants. They have groomed you to be a certain way, to see life through a lens that is clouded by their desires. They claim to love you and drew you into them when you first met. They were wonderful from where you stood. You fell in love with their charm, their smile, and their warmth. And slowly, they eat away at your very being until you find yourself terrified of disappointing them.

They look out for you and protect you. You feel safe with them because they want only the best for you and for your life together. They begin to pull you away from your friends and your family, one person at a time. Slowly they speak lies in your ear and show you why you are better off without these people. They refocus you on the things that will be good for the two of you. Everything is about your life together. Your bond is unbreakable. Your love is secure and for life. They want only to be with you. And then, you are alone with them. Your life has become one that revolves around your abuser.

They begin to erode your confidence, retrain your thoughts, build you up only to tear you down. You start to notice that they are unhappy, so you do your best to make it better…you change. Their happiness becomes your number one priority. Not because that is all you want in life, but because you know that you can bring them back to the individual you believe them to be. But they become further removed from you and you desperately attempt to win that original love back. You have pushed your friends and family away. Your life, as you once knew it, is no longer.

But they pull back. They withhold the love you crave and need. They tell you how worthless and messed up you are. You believe them because you have no one anymore. There is no one to tell you that you are a good partner; this is the person who matters and you are losing them. And then, they give you a chance. They show their kindness and a glimpse of hope. They give you the love that you are craving. They tell you how much you mean to them and they show you attention.

And just as soon as you are feeling positive, they crush you with all that they have. You have screwed up again and your marriage will pay. You will be alone in this world and you deserve it because you are unable to bring joy to anyone. You are a failure in all that you do: a bad wife, lover, mother, and friend. Nobody needs someone like you in his or her life. You will die alone. You do not deserve someone like them. You are lucky to have them.

Soon, you find yourself a mess, a shell of what you once were. Depression and anxiety walk hand in hand with you daily. You are constantly walking on eggshells. Every minute of every day is an attempt to be a better version of yourself, but there is nothing left of you anymore. It is a losing battle because nothing you ever do will be good enough for your abuser. You are alone and afraid. The fear of retribution is a constant. One wrong look or action can lead to more emotional or physical attacks. You fear the pain of a physical attack, but almost dread the emotional more. You cannot bear to hear his words anymore. You know you are worthless and wonder if leaving this world will make it all better.

The idea of leaving crosses your mind, but where would you go. If you told your story, people would laugh at you. They would tell you to leave, but you can’t leave. They wouldn’t understand. You simply must fix your marriage. It is up to you to make it better. He tells you daily how messed up you are through his words and actions. It must be true. He obviously loves you and wants your marriage to better. Otherwise, he would leave, right? But he stays.

You try to be what he wants, and you never will be. You will never make him happy because he does not want to be happy with you. He wants to control you. But you, the victim, do not know this. He has erased who you are and made you into this skeleton of a person. You are his to control and the cycle continues.

This is where I was. Each story is different, and each technique is unique. Try to walk in the shoes of someone you are not. Try to understand their pain. Only then can you get a glimpse of the hell and confusion that is their life.

Read the Forget Me Not Series here and visit the Forget Me Not Advocacy Group’s website.

Did you know that nearly half of all men experience psychological aggression from an intimate partner in their lifetime? 1 in 4 men experience rape, physical violence, or stalking, and 1 in 7 experience severe physical violence. 40% of men have reported at least one form of coercive control (isolation, threats, blackmail, etc.) by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

While women are not typically identified as the primary abuser, plenty of men suffer at the hands of their female partner. I mention female partners, because men are in a rough position. Domestic violence is about abuse, power, and control, not about whether you are male or female, gay or straight, or tough or weak.

But societal norms tell men that it is not ok to talk about abuse, to “man up,” or to take control of the situation.

This is a topic we have long ignored, myself included. I started telling my story as a female that suffered at the hands of my husband. I often refer to abusers as men within my story, and outside of it. When you Google Domestic Violence, it is generally pictures of abused women that appear. But it is not just women who suffer. Women also can be the abusers. Men can be the victim, suffering in silence just as I was. But I often fear that their voice is ignored.

I, personally, will be learning more about this topic, and it will be the subject of future blog posts. I encourage you to chime it. And to the male victims out there who have spoken up, thank you! Please continue breaking the silence so we can bring light to this equally important issue.

Read the Forget Me Not Series here and visit the Forget Me Not Advocacy Group’s website.

I’ve noticed a trend; one I can relate to all too well. There are a lot of people out there, men and women, who know they need help, but fight the prospect of actually seeking it out. I was there. At times I still am. It’s kind of like losing weight. I know I have gained weight and it is affecting my life. I’m sluggish and cranky, my clothes don’t fit right, and I feel a little too self-aware (and not in a good way). It affects my attitude and my demeanor, how productive I am, and my general outlook on life at times. But, cutting the sugar and going to the gym are a little more work that I’m ready to put in.

Emotional healing is the same way. I know I’m not acting right, but I don’t want to fix it. I know I don’t feel right, but I tell myself that I’m stronger than this and will get a hold of my emotions soon. I don’t want to feel weak, but I don’t have time to work through these issues. Help is needed because I cannot keep living my life this way, but seeking it out is a little more than I’m prepared to do. I’ll get around to it later. Time heals all wounds, right?

Time helps to put all wounds further behind you. They no longer have the same effect as they once did because they are further into your past and you have had time to put some distance between those experiences and your current life. However, they do not fully disappear on their own. Wounds are like a small infection just under your skin. It’s nothing, you say, and you ignore the redness. But as time goes by, it grows and grows until it is interfering with your life and health. Soon, your days are filled with a much larger issue that interferes with everything you do.

Emotionally, you might become agitated, overly sensitive, protective, defensive, depressed, and anxious. As the days go by, more of these emotions creep in as a defense mechanism to the pain you have experienced. You know you have been here before and you thought you had moved passed it, but the feelings are slowly coming back. And, guess what? That affects your work, your relationships, your family, and your happiness. It steals your joy.

Sadly, I believe that these emotions and behaviors become so much a part of us that we don’t even always realize how much they are interfering with our life. But, I assure you that others do. We cannot ignore our pain away. It is important to understand that you need help in order to thrive. You must be willing to accept the help that is around you and seek out support. A simple support group or group of friends who have been in your shoes may suffice. Or you may need to seek out more traditional means, such as individual therapy or group counseling with a trained professional.

No matter where you are, however, don’t get caught in the trap of shame or pride. Most of us cannot do it on our own. We all need support. When you refuse to seek out that help, you are hurting yourself, your children, your work life, and those you love most. You deserve happiness and peace, and it is up to each of us to personally make the choice to heal instead of choosing to stay stuck. That is the difference between remaining a victim and becoming a survivor. Allow yourself the opportunity to actually work on it. You, and those around you, will be thankful for your effort.

Read the Forget Me Not Series here and visit the Forget Me Not Advocacy Group’s website.